Dream Stealer

We all started with one. Astronaut, firefighter, teacher, executive, police officer, President of the United States (maybe that was just me) and on and on.

“Dream big!” we were told…but did real life match the dream?

Has your life worked out in a way that aligned with those early goals? Probably not..and I don’t say that because you’ve failed somehow; actually, we learn and grow and develop new interests that are even more exciting than our original dreams in many instances.

What you dreamed of for yourself….what you settled for…what you can still do, are all still in play, right?

Except there is noise. Family noise, society noise, work noise…and the worst noise of all…the kind in our own heads. It tells us what we’re supposed to be, or do, or become. Rarely does that voice say “go for it, you can do it!” Sadly, that internal voice is often one of negatives, not inspiration.

So despite our awareness of what we would truly love to do, or be, or let’s face it, even give a try, we are confronted by so many voices that simply tell us we are wrong and should do something else.

What have you done with your life opportunity? Did you settle? Did you go for it? Or, perhaps you’re just waiting for the perfect moment to make your move?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic

Nothing Burns Like A Memory

I struggle with memories sometimes. Not the good ones; they good ones often pop into my head as a blessing out of nowhere. The memories that aren’t so good are the trouble. They stick around for a long time. They remind me of when I’ve failed myself, when I’ve failed others, and how those failures have resulted in so many ‘bad’ things for all involved.

Memories can be a heavy burden. 

There is a self-talk spiral that sucks me in every once in a while. It usually hits when I’m not ready to deal with it…I’ve just laid down to sleep…I’m feeling really good about life…or I’ve finally found a few moments of peace to just relax…

…then, bam.

My inner voice reminds me that I’m not everything I think I am. And it does so in a cruel way. We’ve all seen the memes about running through all of our mistakes in life in the middle of the night. That’s not my focus today.

I’m talking about the pain that comes from the really personal memories that most people don’t even know about. In fact, we rarely admit to ourselves that they are part of our story at all.

Those moments are hard.

What happens for you when the waves of emotion and regret sweep over you? It can be a lonely place. And yet, it is also important (for me) to remember that those deeply painful memories are only part of my life…they are not my whole life.

So easy to say in a blog post…so difficult to manage in the moment. Yet, we have to manage them. If we don’t, they will start to define us vs remind us of times when we struggled and carried on.

We actually carried on, even in those dark times.

Carrying on is a new way to define those memories that feels a lot better than burning myself up.

What do you think?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic

Resume Virtues and Eulogy Virtues

I had the privilege of hearing David Brooks speak recently, and his message inspired this post.

We spend our lives focused on what we do, our title, our productivity, how busy we are, using all the fancy words, and trying to sound refined and sophisticated and successful….and successful…and successful….

And then people gather to remember us. 

No one says the word productivity.

No one says our job title.

No one mentions how successful we were at improving employee engagement in Q3 of 2014.

Instead, if we had put any time into it…

they remember our volunteerism. 

they remember our kindness.

they remember how we routinely reached out to take care of others before we took care of ourselves.

they remember our impact in our respective houses of worship.

they remember how we were there for our friends.

and they remember our character.

It’s puzzling to me that the most important things in life…only seem to matter in death.

How do you feel about resume virtues and eulogy virtues? 

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic: Randy Hain

Shrouded in Darkness

We don’t talk about it much. It’s such an awkward topic to bring up, let alone get into a deep discussion to better understand it. It’s something that ‘happens to other people, not the ones we know.” It’s simply easier to just avoid the topic altogether.

Hold on a minute…

In 2022:

- suicide was the 11th leading cause of death

- 49,476 Americans died by suicide

- men died by suicide 3.85 times more frequently than women

- white men accounted for 68.46% of all suicide deaths

And yet a whopping 94% of adults believe suicide can be prevented.

Silence is a killer. Literally. Particularly when it comes to men’s mental health and suicide. It seems like a good starting place to tackle this issue is to openly talk about it. When we avoid difficult topics to remain comfortable, are we really helping anyone, including ourselves? Or, are we just taking the easy way around a massive problem?

Imagine if 49,476 Americans were wiped out in a single day in some sort of horrible event? It would be a massive news story with congressional hearings and calls for action in every chamber of government.

Yet, we don’t talk about it. At least not enough. Maybe being more vulnerable, venturing into those uncomfortable conversations, posting more content, or simply reaching out to check in on people could make a difference?

I don’t have the answers…but the data is downright scary.

This is a difficult topic. What do you think about it? When was the last time you checked in on someone, just for the sake of checking?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Data source

Pic

Sophisticated Torment

Men can handle everything.

Pull yourself up by your boot straps.

Suck it up.

Boys don’t cry.

I thrive on pressure.

Power through it.

We’re professionals.

We can handle everything the world throws at us.

Just ‘soldier’ on.

There are plenty of us who consider ourselves to be quite sophisticated; and yet, we are not invincible or immune to the highs and lows that life brings to everyone. We all hide the pain, disappointments, and negative self-talk that creeps into our heads from time-to-time.

Please don’t say it doesn’t happen to you. No one will believe you..at least I won’t.

When was the last time you checked in on your strong friends? You know who I’m talking about…the ones who are always full of energy…the ultra-positive characters who seem to attract people to them…the ones that make us laugh…that one person who has it all together.

Make sure you check on them too.

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Note: I’m sharing these posts to raise awareness not to draw attention to myself. I am, gratefully, in a very good place in my life and am truly blessed and happy.

Gut Feeling

Something just doesn’t feel right.

What am I missing here?

There has to be more to the story.

What’s going on?

As a firm believer in data-driven decision-making…I must admit there are times when you need to simply trust your gut. You know what I’m talking about. The level of talking behind-the-scenes picks up…the snide comments slip in meetings…even the occasional eye roll is caught on a zoom call.

Listen. Your gut is speaking to you in those moments.

How should you react? You do have options, of course.

- Let it slide?

- Assume you must be imagining it?

- Address your concerns head-on?

Your decision has consequences regardless of what you decide. I’m a fan of getting to the heart of the matter. Ignoring the signs has never served any leader well.

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Fixed

“If she would just do the work this way she would be fine.”

“If he would simply listen, we wouldn’t have these issues.”

“The choice is so obvious, right?”

“Trust me, I’ve seen this before and am clear on what we should do next.”

Over the years I’ve struggled with judging others. Maybe you have as well. Part of that is human nature (I think) and part is based on serving in leadership roles for the last 30 years where I’ve been asked to make important decisions about the direction of the organization. 

That can be a heavy burden at times.

Where do we find the balance between judging others and getting caught up in our own hubris? Do we even notice when we’ve crossed that line; or, are we simply so special that the ‘line’ doesn’t apply to us?

It’s a slippery slope, as we all work with bright people who see right through those of us that bullrush their opinions through with little awareness of the impact on the team.

When have you seen leaders go too far…all caught up in their own echo chamber of ‘the right way to do things?’

What was the result?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic

The Philosophical Strife

Philosophical Strife

• “The idea that strife, or the conflict of opposites, is the source of meaning and sense.Gunter Figal, a philosophy professor at the University of Tubingen, argues that strife and freedom are related, and that strife is necessary for the creation of sense and meaning.” 

There’s a lot to unpack here, but perhaps a series of questions that come to mind are enough to get us thinking deeper.

• Is conflict actually necessary to appreciate freedom?
• What might be the opposites in your life that trigger philosophical strife?
• How does the interplay between work strife and personal strife impact your view of things?
• Does faith or meditation play a role in how you manage these conflicts?
• Do you have someone close enough to share the deepest elements of your strife?
• When you’re absolutely hopeless, does understanding this inherent conflict help you focus and allow you to regain your footing?
• What happens when you move through conflict and find freedom?

The premise that our entire sense of meaning comes from how we view these opposites is fascinating. Is it simply moving away from stressors to feel better; or, is there something deeper happening?

Thank you for being here.

Jay

Pic

Working at the Speed of Failure

I read something recently that touched on the concept that in addition to our obsession with being 100% productive 100% of the time (which is completely unrealistic); we have fallen into a trap of working too quickly. 

Literally moving our bodies (and minds) at such a hurried pace that we are actually wearing ourselves out in the name of “being so busy.”

Sound familiar? It sure does to me.

This little paragraph, written almost as an afterthought, hit home. I started paying attention to my physical movements as I worked and asking myself some questions:

- Why am I constantly jumping between screens? (MacBook, iPad, iPhone)

- Am I supposed to react immediately to every email, text, and message?

- When am I actually doing deep thinking about my broad scope of work?

- If all I do is jump around from meeting to meeting and talk about my work, when do I actually have time to do the work?

Let’s level set a bit here. I have a well developed system that organizes every facet of my professional and personal lives. I’m clear on what needs to get done on any given day, and am fortunate to work with a talented team to tackle all of it with me.

And yet…that frantic pace creeps in. Why?

There are no easy answers, at least I can’t find one. I think the best next step for me is a new level of self-awareness as I literally slow down to be even more efficient and effective.

Have you examined your pace of work? What did you learn?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic

Blind Spots and Power

Ah, the ever elusive race to the top. In the first half of my career I was laser focused on landing an executive level role. Fortunately, I was able to do that a bit earlier than expected. A calculated move to be a ‘big fish in a small pond’ paid off far more than I could have imagined. Ironically, it wasn’t about money or titles actually…it was the learning that changed the course of my journey.

Now, in the second half of my career I’ve seen leaders come and go. Many thought they had a ‘vision for what the organization needed’ or had a ‘sense of who was a high potential member of the leadership team.’ Conversely they also had an equal level of insight on ‘who just doesn’t have what it takes.’

It’s fascinating to unpack this a bit further, particularly when you take the emotion out of it. Perhaps it is the decades of experience I have in large, complex organizations that have helped me learn more? What seems to be clear however is the old concept of blind spots is alive and well.

How we define success, and who we identify as those that can deliver that success are often (if not exclusively) confirmed by our own experiences and personal views on the workplace. When we see high potential leaders we often find their skills relatable to our own. Their ability to be team-players and drive the current agenda can be misinterpreted as simply being an extension of ourselves. 

That’s a slippery slope. 

Are we searching for clones of ourselves to carry on our legacy in an attempt to validate how we’ve chosen to lead? 

Hmm. Maybe.

But what about the impact of our blind spots on the path we see for ourselves…our professional aspirations and the goals we have? Why are these the goals? Did society tell us (me) we should keep pushing? Have we found the sweet spot that balances our skills and experience along with enough of a push to keep us learning and growing and contributing? Or, are we simply chasing a goal that doesn’t truly align with who we are and how we can best contribute?

What about those who chased power? We’ve all seen them over the years, yet their blind spots still stand tall. Chasing power is not finding the sweet spot between skills, experience, growth and meaningful contribution. Chasing is all about a focus exclusively on the individual…not the organization.

3 questions to consider

- What do I excel at?

- What do I enjoy doing?

- How can I leverage these two and make a dramatic impact?

If you answered that you need to be in control to ensure ‘everything is done properly’ I would encourage you give those questions a deeper think and try again. I know I have and it’s made all the difference.

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic

Peacekeeper, Take Your Time

Do you play the role of peacekeeper at work? How about at home? Or perhaps at the charity or social organization you are a member of?

Peacekeeping is hard…

…and is also a massive indication of trust.

Consider the times when you have multiple people confiding in you about the negatives swirling around the workplace, or home, or wherever. They believe they can open up with you about how they really feel. That is powerful. 

And it’s power.

Being the peacekeeper is a privilege, in an odd way I guess. But it can also feel heavy. When others share their burdens there is often an unspoken expectation that the peacekeeper will lift this burden away.

What are the next steps here? You have knowledge of a complicated (or sometimes just melodramatic) set of circumstances. But what do you do with that?

Do you engage? 

Keep it to yourself and attempt to deftly navigate the internal landmines that are everywhere? 

Maybe provide some private subtle coaching to those involved in an attempt to keep everything together?

…in effect…play the peacekeeper?

These situations can be incredibly demanding, and yet (mostly) invisible to everyone else. Another example of how effective leadership is not always glamorous.

What do you think about the peacekeeper?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic